A Letter to Luke

Dear Luke,

Tomorrow will be one of the very best days of my life. Tomorrow will be your birthday. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

For nearly two weeks I have not written in this space, but have instead been silent, my heart and mind able to focus on nothing but your coming. How does a mama properly prepare to meet the newest love of her life? How does she savor the final days of carrying her baby inside, her belly heavy with child? How does she store deep in her heart the way that it feels when her son moves inside of her and how can she hold on to the feeling of the gentle sway of his small body as he shifts? These things my heart wonders. So I have been silent. Content to simply take it all in, as tonight you rest under my heart, yet tomorrow, Lord willing, you will rest in my arms. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

These past two weeks have been long ones. My body is tired. Sleep has not come easy. There were many nights where I thought tonight is the night he is coming! only to wake the next morning disappointed. It has been emotionally draining. For so long now I have wanted to meet you. And tomorrow I get to. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

I wonder what you will look like, my sweet child number four. Will you have hair? Dark, thick brown hair? Or some other color that would be a marvelous surprise? Or perhaps you will be beautifully bald. Emma and Kate cannot wait to meet you. For sure you will be smothered in love by those two who have already dubbed themselves your second and third mama's. Jack cannot wait to teach you how to eat ice cream and how to fake burp. Such serious things a young boy must learn from his big brother. Your daddy cannot wait to hold you. I know he will cry when they place you in his arms. He always does. And me? I cannot wait to see the blink blink blinks of your baby eyes as you take in the new world around you. I cannot wait to stroke your soft skin, to nuzzle your small body close on my chest, to breathe in your baby smell. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Luke Wesley Perrin, never doubt that you were wanted from the very beginning. Never doubt that you are loved. Forever and ever. You are my son. The baby that I prayed for, that my heart desperately longed for. I love you to moons on sticks and back again.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Love, Mama

my heart overflows

As I near the end of this pregnancy, I find that along with my body that is beginning to slow, so are my words. My thoughts are many, but my words are few. Gratitude for this simple life that I have been so blessed with is filling up all of the extra space that is not being filled up by my sweet new son.

My heart overflows.

You all know that we recently moved back home into staff housing (a darling little duplex) on the children's home campus where Boss works, where we previously served as houseparents for five years. Only now we live across the street from our old house where we used to live with our foster girls. And you want to know something? I used to sit across the street, in my old living room, and stare at this little duplex. Towards the end of my house parenting days I was a bit overwhelmed. My heart was torn in so very many directions. I loved both my family and our foster girls with all that I had, and I never felt like there was enough of me to go around. If I was being a good foster mom, I was not always being the mama that my own children needed. And if I was being a good mama to my three, I went to bed feeling as though I had not met the needs of the teenagers that day. I loved with most of my being, and finding balance was not my strong suit. So I stared at this little duplex. At the time, my friend (who is an exemplary mother) called the duplex home. And sometimes, if the blinds were left open, I would see her sitting on the couch chatting with her teenage daughter, sharing life together in the same way that I want to share life with my own daughters when they are teenagers. And I secretly told God that I wanted that. I wanted to be here in this place, on this campus which is our home, and I wanted a season to be just mama to my children. It was more of a wish, but I knew that God knew the longings of my heart. And today here I am.

God's blessings are not lost on me. He heard my heart longings and he provided. It was not on my timing, but it was in his. And it has turned out so much better than I ever could have imagined. Because today I sit here, full term with my second son. And Boss is asleep downstairs, our first son resting soundly next to him. And the girls are upstairs snug in their beds. The school room is almost put together, the crib has been assembled, our table is small, but with just enough space for our family of six. Tiny newborn clothes await a washing and my hospital bag sits by my bed. And it all feels like a dream, this blessed life that I am living.

There are hard days, for sure. Boss is running all over town, keeping Fieldcrest Lane market ready while continuously putting our home together here. Emotions are running high with all of the change that has taken place and with the anticipation of a new brother to be added to the bunch any day now. And there are still financial stresses. But mostly there is peace. Peace and gratitude. Because the baby will come when he is ready, and when we leave the hospital? We will bring him home. To this place. This place that I longed for, perhaps without really knowing that I longed for it, but God provided it for our little family anyway.

My heart overflows.

these are a few of my favorite things

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Most people seem to enjoy planning and preparing for a baby girl more than a baby boy. Not me. I love my two darling daughters to pieces, but baby boy things have always called to me. Always. Perhaps it is because I think baby boys look like tiny old men, and I think tiny old men are darling. I don't know. But I do know that with only four(ish) weeks left in this pregnancy, I have all things baby boy on the brain.

These are a few of my favorite things. I keep pinning them on Pinterest in hopes that some of my crafty friends and relatives will get inspired. (Remember, I am only crafty when it comes to making people.) But maybe a better plan would be to introduce my mother to Etsy, so she could just buy my favorite things for me? Or perhaps I should embrace the less is more attitude in all areas of life (including the area of decorating, shopping, and preparing for our new baby boy) and realize that whether my son is wearing a plain white onesie or a colorful one with attached suspenders really doesn't matter. He will be darling and dapper no matter what. Because he is mine and I already love him more than words can say. 

But nevertheless, a few of my favorite things for your viewing pleasure....

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 So there you have it. A few of my favorite boy things.

(And to address any questions or concerns you might have, yes, my son will be sporting leg warmers.)

thank goodness i'm crafty

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According to the above picture, I am quite crafty. Awesome. Because my craftiness is all I have going for me at the moment. My brain is gone. Perhaps the current person I am making is stealing my brain cells? I have no idea. All I know is that my brain is completely shot. Seriously.

Some examples:

- My mom kept my children one afternoon last week. After they returned, I could not find my diaper bag. I searched for a bit, came up empty handed, and then just assumed I had left my bag at my mom's house. Three days later I found my diaper bag. In the refrigerator. Right next to the fruit cups. And what is most alarming to me is not that I placed my diaper bag in the fridge in the first place. What is most alarming is that for three days, every single time I opened the fridge (which is quite often these days), I never once noticed a giant bag sitting on the second shelf. I have no words.

- My sweet friends recently threw me a small baby sprinkle, where my super talented and crafty (in more ways than making people, although she did conceive triplets..... naturally) friend blessed me with an adorable handmade quilt for my new son. With his name on it. And my first thought upon reading the name on the quilt was that is not how you spell Jack. Obviously. Because my new son's name is Luke. And it was awkward because I shared this revelation out loud. At that point I wished I had had no words.

- Back in January our small group at church planned a video scavenger hunt. Celebrate Cincinnati. Cool, right? We set the date for April 13th. And if anyone had asked, I could have told them the date. My oldest daughter has been practicing for a play this entire school year. The date of the play? April 13th. And if anyone had asked, I could have told them the date. But never once did I put the two dates together. I assumed (until just a few days ago) that I was attending both events until a friend on Facebook mentioned that she could not attend the scavenger hunt because she was attending my daughter's play. Duh. Clearly, so was I. What if my friend had not mentioned the fact that both events were on the same night? Where would I have wound up? The possibilities are endless.

- Our children attend two different home school cooperatives on two different days of the week. On Wednesday I drove to Monday's cooperative without thinking. The empty parking lot alerted me to the fact that I was at the wrong church building, so I headed back out in a different direction and took a new route........ back to the very same church building with the empty parking lot. No worries. The third time was the charm and we eventually wound up where we needed to be.

I have no clue when my brain will return. Or if it will return. I am slightly worried that I will live in this perpetual state of crazy forever. But hey, at least I'm crafty. There's always that.

sprinkled.... baby shower style

Yesterday, I was sprinkled with love by five of my most favorite women on the planet.

The more children you have, the less you expect people to celebrate the news of a new baby. As my brother so kindly pointed out the last time we spoke, our announcing number four was on his way was a bit like Apple announcing they were coming out with the iPhone six. It's no longer that big of an announcement or surprise. (I think my brother was kidding. Maybe.)

But we have received nothing but an outpouring of love over the news of our latest blessing, and it has been such a gift for my heart.

 

Yesterday, five of my dearest friends got together and threw Luke and I a little shower. Or maybe it was more of a sprinkle. A little sprinkle of love and joy for baby number four. The 'theme' was vanilla coke, because in my world there is no other drink on the planet. Except for diet vanilla coke, but I try and refrain while I am pregnant. So kind of me, I know. We chatted, and laughed, shared stories, and they blessed me with gifts for my new bundle of a baby boy. I felt so blessed and loved.

 

And I have decided that while announcing a new baby is no longer a new thing for our family, it is still an awesome thing. A desired, highly anticipated, much wanted thing. And we cannot wait for our new gift to join our family next month.

 

Thank you, friends, for blessing me. Thank you for your sprinkle of love.

 * all photographs courtesy of Heather Matthews Photography





 

New Nest, New Baby, New Look

I can never pick a favorite season. I love something about them all, finding seasons to be one of God's most inspiring creations. Life would be dull if every day were the same, and it is the same with seasons. I find that just when my soul is ready for something new, change comes.

Change is coming for our family. A new nest needs to be built, a new baby is on his way. And I find it fitting that these changes are happening in spring, a season of new growth. I love that. It feels hopeful. Spring signifies that brighter days are on their way, and that is my prayer for our family as we transition.

This space needed changing, too. Soon, our story will no longer take place on Fieldcrest Lane, so we needed something new to go with our new nest and our new baby.

This is now the story of {our life} Plain & Simple.

It is the story of our family. It is the story of how we spend our days. It is the story of the things we love to love. I have always been a dreamer, and I hope that I always will be. Dreaming big is good for the soul. It makes me feel alive. But I also believe there is magic to be found in ordinary days. The magic of life is all around us, sometimes we just have to search a bit to find it. So I am determined to spend my days finding the magic, while I spend my years chasing big, crazy, extraordinary dreams. It is a balance I want to learn to walk well.

Thank you for coming to this space. Thank you for sharing in our story. Thank you for choosing to do life with us.

* The new look in our space is courtesy of Always in Bluhm Designs, Etsy shop found HERE and website found HERE. I met Theresa nearly ten years ago through mutual college friends and I got to know her a bit better after connecting with her on Facebook. She quit her job after the birth of her son and started up an amazing design business. Theresa has a creative spirit and a beautiful, artistic soul, and she is awesome at what she does. The girl has mad skills. If you are in the market for a new look for your space, check her out. You will be glad that you did.

Last Leg of the Journey

Luke and I have begun the last leg of our journey together, where he rests under my heart and I hold him close within. And it's funny, because meeting him still seems so far away, but life has taught me that these days are fleeting. And I wonder, how do I store these days up in my soul? How do I memorize the feel of his kicks, the way my body feels heavy with child? I don't have the answers, but I try. For moments each day, I close my eyes and try to soak the blessing of pregnancy in. My miscarriage last year taught me that we don't always get to pick our own paths. Our days and seasons sometimes have a mind of their own, so we must savor the good ones.

 

Truly, I have nothing to complain about. Our boy is healthy (praise God they finally laid eyes on his four chamber heart after several attempts!) and strong, weighing in at around two pounds. And aside from tired feet (which Boss lovingly rubs each and every evening), aching hips, and bouts of Braxton Hicks contractions, I am feeling well each day, too. More relaxed than in my previous three pregnancies, more sure of my mama skills and what is to come.

 

I do feel the emotions building. There is just something about growing another soul that sends a woman's emotions swirling. There is so much that I dream about for our family, so much that needs to happen in the coming weeks before Luke enters our world, and I can't yet see what God is going to do. But I know that God is good. And I know that Luke's life is part of his perfect plan. And I know that he will knit all of the pieces perfectly together in his own time. So for now, we wait. And we thank God daily for the life growing within. And we do school, and we babysit cute children, and we teach Bible classes, and we keep going with life, knowing that soon, the days will slow down. Little by little, in the coming weeks our plate will empty, and then it will just be family, and home, and a new brother to love. And that is what keeps me going.



One Year Ago Today

(Photo by Heather Matthews Photography)

One year ago today, I was told the baby I carried inside of me had died.

One year ago today, my heart crumbled into a million tiny pieces.
One year ago today, the tears fell freely.
One year ago today, I had to let go of my dream.

One year ago today, Boss held my hand as we exited the hospital.

One year ago today, we told our other children that they would not be getting a new baby to love.

One year ago today, I hated the week of Valentine's Day.

One year ago today, I wanted to crawl into bed and not crawl out until my heart found healing.

One year ago today, I asked God to not let me walk through this miscarriage unchanged.

One year ago today, I asked God for new eyes to see his plan.
(I specifically asked him to give me a light for my darkened path.)
 

(Photo by Heather Matthews Photography)

Today, there is a new baby growing inside of me. A boy. Our Luke.
(His name means light.)
Today, my heart is so full it nearly bursts.
Today, tears still frequently fall, but they are tears of gratitude.
Today, our family is in the midst of a new dream.
Today, there were no hospitals. Only school, and lunch, and beautiful every day life.
Today, my children kiss my belly and tell little brother they love him.
Today, I am so thankful for my Valentines.
Today, I crawled out of bed with a smile, thanking God for the new day.
Today, I KNOW that my miscarriage changed me.
(Life has never been more precious).
Today, I see with new eyes. God is good. All the time.

 

(Photo by Heather Matthews Photography)

A Time for Everything

 

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

 

(Ecclesiastes Chapter Three)



 

From Ladders to Lessons

(Mama and Luke)

Last Friday night, Boss and I got fancied up to attend a benefit auction for the children's home where Boss is employed. Boss is the principal of the school that serves many residents from the children's home, as well as children from surrounding school districts that are bused in each day.

Many moons ago (do people really say that?), Boss worked for corporate America. Before we met he was an insurance salesman, and during our months of dating and early marriage he was a retail manager for Champs Sports. So I suppose you could say that being a boss (literally) and a salesman have always been in his blood. He was good at what he did. Very good. He won many awards and much recognition, and there was a time when we dreamed about his career in retail management going far. All the way far. All the way to the top! In our minds, he was climbing the corporate ladder one rung at a time. It didn't matter that he worked sixty to eighty hours a week. No pain, no gain! Right?

 But then we got pregnant.

And suddenly that silly old ladder didn't seem nearly as important to us as it once did. If I was at home with the children while Boss was at work 'climbing' away, if he left the house before the children woke in the morning, came home after they were already in bed for the night, missed worship services, and dance recitals, and ball games, would it even matter to us once he reached the very top of the ladder? Would it even be worth it? For our family, we decided the answer to that question was a resounding NO. Because more than likely, in the end, he would have been be standing at the top of that corporate ladder alone, while the children and I were at home going about the family life that we had created without him. So just like that our focus shifted. And we decided then and there that the only type of ladder we ever wanted to climb would be one that we could climb together. So Boss, with my input, began to pursue other lines of work.

Looking back, Boss and I can honestly say now that we wished we had pursued some sort of family business or trade when we were looking to make a change in our lives. Something that we could have worked together, side by side, including our children as they grew. But we didn't even think to head in that direction at that early point in our marriage. Instead, we focused on his pursuing a career that would allow for as much family time as possible. Boss obviously had to make a living, but our first priority was to be together as much as we possibly could be. Boss' second priority was working a job that 'mattered'. Not that most jobs are not necessary in the world that we have come to live in, but if Boss was to be away from us for any length of time each day, he wanted to feel good about how he was spending that time.

Eventually, after several months of prayer, Boss decided on the field of education. At that time there was a shortage of teachers in certain states and alternative certification programs were available to anyone who qualified. So, Boss hopped on board, and after one summer of hard work he was a teacher! And I think he would tell you that was one of the best decisions he has ever made. He no longer climbs a ladder, but he spends his days investing in the lives of those who may one day climb. And he is still a salesman. Only now, instead of selling insurance or shoes, he spends his days selling children on the idea that being all that God created you to be and making something of your life is important! He is home early most afternoons. He is off on weekends, holidays, and for the entire summer each year. He is active and present in our home and in our children's lives. And I couldn't be more proud of him.

It isn't always easy. Trying to raise a family on one income, and a smaller income at that, is often a difficult task. We have to work together to pinch pennies (Boss is far better at this than I am), I help out with taking on other small jobs when I can, and we don't always know how we are going to make ends meet. But God has always provided. He has always been faithful to open doors right when we needed them opened the most. And I know that God will continue to be faithful.

We have no idea where our path will take us. Sometimes I dream that God still plans on using Boss in big ways for his kingdom, like Boss' journey has only just begun. Sometimes I am content if what we have is all there ever is. Sometimes we still dream of starting that family business and working each day side by side. But I do know that no matter what, family will always come first. And to us, that is more important than any ladder ever could be.

A Baby Update

(Raising Arrows is one of my very favorite large family, homeschooling blogs. Check it out!)

Hello. I am having a baby. Not soon, but rather soon(ish). In case you are wondering, soon(ish) refers to any time in the pregnancy after the half way mark. Sometimes Boss likes to tell people that my due date is really a bit later than what I would like for it to be. I send him ugly glares when that happens. He just smiles. Clearly he has never grown another human being INSIDE OF HIS BODY!

Today I went for my monthly checkup. Up until this month, I had done superb with my weight gain. Even over the holidays, my weight increased only slightly (two bouts with the stomach virus will do that to you). I had been patting myself on the back for a job well done. Until today. Today, I realized that I had completely doubled my entire pregnancy weight gain in one month. IN ONE MONTH! The nice doctor asked me what had happened. I informed her that I had been really hungry and eating everything in sight. She made me promise her it would not happen again. She wants me to cut back on the carbs and focus on eating healthy proteins such as eggs and bacon. Say what?! And this lady wasn't even one of the residents that I am used to seeing. She was the real deal. So what do you do if your doctor orders you to eat bacon? You obey! I had some for lunch, thank you very much. And the scale climbed up another pound.

Everything else with baby boy looks good. We will have a repeat ultrasound next month. Baby moved too much last time for them to get the necessary pictures. We will also be checking to make sure that the placenta has moved to a new location. In its current location, a C-Section would be required for delivery. I have informed the placenta that Boss does not do C-Sections (he barely does delivery at all), so it can feel free to move right on out of the way any time now! I am not sure if placenta's are particularly known for their good listening skills or not, so we shall see.

I want to let it be known here, how very much in love with this little boy I already am! I think of being the mama to four tiny ones and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I pulled tiny boy clothes out of storage today, and my heart hummed as I carefully sorted and set things aside for my new son to wear. MY NEW SON! I may be a bit older now than the first time that I did this pregnancy thing (my body feels it), it might be my fifth pregnancy and fourth child, I might need to chew 100 TUMS a day (and use the restroom double that), but it is still the most incredible thing in the world, this growing of a life. This being a mother and a wife. What a privilege and an honor. Every day I go to bed exhausted, but every day I wake up ready to do it all over again (as long as that wake up happens after seven am).

Half Way To Holding You

My Sweet, Second Son,

Somewhere over the Christmas holiday, you and I celebrated twenty weeks together. Twenty weeks of dreaming about you, hoping for you, feeling you move inside of me. Twenty awesome weeks of being your mama. Twenty weeks of wondering WHO you would be. Is it okay for me to tell you that I was sure, absolutely sure with all of my mama heart, that you were going to be a little girl? I was positive we would have a third sister in our family and was preparing your big brother accordingly. But then your daddy and I went to see you on the big screen and there you were! All BOY! There was no mistaking it. And my heart was so thrilled! First two daughters, and now two sons. A pair of each! I am pretty sure that life does not get any better. And just to be clear... I was not disappointed! I already love EXACTLY who God has made you to be. You are the perfect fit to our family. A missing piece to our puzzle.

I knew instantly, the exact moment that I saw you were another little boy, what your name would be. Years ago, when I was pregnant with one of your sisters or your brother (the details get fuzzy as time passes) I bought four Christmas stockings with initial letters on them. E for Emma, K for Kate, J for Jack , and a lone L. I did not have a name picked out to go along with the L stocking, nor was I positive that I would ever be the mama to four children, but I bought it on a whim, certain one day it would be hung on the mantle with the others.  And then last February I miscarried a tiny baby. My heart was so sad for many days. My world seemed cloaked in darkness. I wanted to find the light again. And that is when I knew... the L stocking would be for a son we would one day have. A son we would one day name Luke, which means light. When I thought you would be a little girl, I tried desperately to fall in love with a girl name that began with L (so that I could put the L stocking to use after all of these years), but I fell in love with nothing. The L stocking would only do for a son named Luke. And I am overjoyed that son is now you. My Luke. My light.

Your daddy and I both agree that your full name will be Luke Wesley Perrin, Wesley Perrin after my great grandfather. Four names for both you and your brother, because four names are, well, cool. And I have no doubt that you will be one cool little dude. Your big brother can't wait to meet you. Every single day he asks if this is the day that you will come out and play with him! And your sisters like to put their hands on my belly to feel your strong kicks (son, more than any of my other babies, you are a mover and a shaker!). Your daddy dreams of the day he can take his two sons on 'man' trips, and me? I can't wait to hold you, to smell your milky baby smell, to stroke your wrinkly baby skin. To hold you up against my chest and to see our whole family change, as we embrace the gift that is you. We are over half way there to holding you, our little Luke. You already light up our lives.

Love, Mama

Blessed With Another Boy

So Very Thankful

Dear Sweet, Beautiful Baby,

Our house is quiet tonight, your daddy and your siblings having already gone to bed. So I sit here alone, with you, Christmas lights twinkling through the outside window. I know that you are awake, too, because I can feel you tap dancing inside of me. According to the world wide web, it is much too soon for me to be feeling your movements, but I have been feeling you move now for weeks. I like to think it is my own special little gift from God after my miscarriage last winter. When I feel your little taps, I know you are alive and well, and that makes my heart so very full.

We are 15 weeks along now on our journey, you and I. For awhile I did not let myself get excited about you. I loved you, certainly, but it felt like too much to ask for, too much to hope for, that I might one day get to hold you in my arms. But then weeks passed, and more weeks passed, and I kind of feel now like we were meant to be, you and I. So now I hope, I plan, and I dream. I can't wait to know who you are, who you will become. I can't wait to watch your daddy lay eyes on you for the very first time as tears roll down his cheeks (your daddy is a crier in delivery rooms). And my heart longs for the moment when all FOUR of my children are finally together. Feeling blessed doesn't begin to describe it.

But for now? For now, we wait. We talk about you, we pray for you, and this year, especially, we are most thankful for your precious life.

Love, Mama

Life Lately

 

So lately, the words just aren't coming. And it's certainly not because I don't have anything to say. I am fairly certain that I always have something to say! Yet, I sit down to write and the words don't come tumbling out as they usually do. Just as the world around me is beginning to turn inward as the weather cools, my thoughts seem to be turning inward as well. So I remain quiet, letting the thoughts soak within. And I think that maybe sometimes, the sitting quiet can be a good thing. Even when there is much to be said.

Life is good here on Fieldcrest Lane. I have so very much to be thankful for. I see tragedy all around on a daily basis, and the thankfulness for the life I lead multiplies. I have a husband who works harder than anyone else that I know. He loves me in spite of my imperfections. He still wants to take me on dates and he never leaves in the morning without kissing each of us goodbye. I lie in bed and listen as he makes his rounds and my heart feels happy. I have an older daughter who is brilliantly smart and witty. I enjoy the person she is becoming, growing every day before my very eyes. She is a wonderful, helpful, servant to her siblings. I am blessed that she loves and enjoys serving our family. My younger daughter has twinkly eyes and a contagious laugh. She makes our home happy and cheerful! She is a snuggler and is always good for a hug. And my son, oh my goodness, has he ever stolen my heart! He is such a funny little guy! Yet he still needs to hold a hand to fall sleep, just like his mama did at his age. And now I have a fourth little pumpkin who is never far from my heart or my prayers. We are now in our ninth week, one week farther along than we made it in my pregnancy at the beginning of this year. And I am starting to allow myself to hope that just maybe I will be holding this little one in my arms next May! And add to the blessing of my family a warm house, food on the table, and good friends, and life on this earth just doesn't get much better than that. But it can still be tricky.

To be honest, I feel a bit lost. When I entered my thirties three months ago (it gets easier to say all of the time!), I held a different plan for my life in my head and in my heart. We had said goodbye to the dream of more babies grown in my womb, and we were ready to say hello to the dream of serving foster babies. And while I am UNBELIEVABLY thankful for this new life... now what? What is our family supposed to look like now? Can I possibly do both, mothering my four as well as those who are in need of a mother? Does God want me to step forward in faith? Or is this new little pumpkin pulling me back in for another season? I don't have the answers, so I wrestle with the thoughts. And that is where I struggle. With releasing my life to God no matter which direction he takes it, yet still humanly clinging to the hope that he chooses a direction I like. But I suppose that's not really releasing then, is it?

Last week my children visited a corn maze with their grandparents, a favorite fall activity in our family. I was feeling a bit nauseous that afternoon, so I sat on a bench where I could feel the breeze while the rest of my family ventured inside. But it got me to thinking. In a corn maze there are many twists and turns. So many different directions one can choose to head off in! Sometimes you get it right and find yourself someplace new, yet other times you look up only to discover you have backtracked and you are in the exact same place that you just came from. So you have a choice.You can sit there, refusing to move forward in case you get it wrong, or you can get up and try again. Working with the turns, putting one foot in front of the other, never giving up until you reach your goal.

After about an hour had passed I began to hear my children's voices, so I began to call out to them, to urge them forward.

This way, kids!

Mama is waiting for you!

You can do it!

I am so proud of you for all of your efforts and for never giving up!

I kept calling to them until they began to stumble out of the maze red faced, stained knees, yet still smiling. They had not given up, even when things had seemed difficult, confusing, and unclear. They pressed forward until they reached their goal.

And isn't it that way with life? So many different directions we can head in. So many dreams, different ways of doing things. And sometimes life can get confusing. We think we are heading in one direction, only to look up half way through our journey to see that we are right back where we started. Or perhaps we aren't back where we started, but we are in a different place all together than we thought we would be. And we find ourselves with the same choice. Sit down and quit... or keep going? So tonight I choose to keep going, even though I have no clue the direction I am headed. But I picture my Father's voice cheering me on, so I step forward in faith, trusting he will clear a pathway through this crazy thing called life.

This way, Kendra!

I am waiting for you!

You can do it!

I am so proud of you for all of your efforts and for never giving up!

Can you hear him shouting the very same to you? I bet if you listen closely enough you can hear him calling you a step forward each day of your journey, too. Carefully guiding us all along the pathway home. So don't give up! And don't give in. Just look up, and keep pressing forward.

Well lookee there. Turns out I did find a few words, after all.

Happy at Home: In an Instant

 

It's funny how your life can change in an instant.

 

One week ago I was the proud mama of three beautiful children. And even more importantly, I was content with that number. The Z Three was beginning to roll comfortably off the tip of my tongue, without the familiar ache of wanting 'more' that had been known to follow in previous months. I was happy. I had made peace with the family that God had blessed me with.

 

One week ago I was dreaming of tiny little foster babies. We were in the process of switching foster care agencies (the transfer to be completed this very week), and I was counting down the days until we would receive 'the call'. The call that would change our lives for a few months, days, or maybe years. Or possibly even forever. And I was excited to feel called to the ministry. I felt as though God had been preparing me for that calling for years and I was ready to serve. We all were.

 

One week ago Boss and I were planning a ten year wedding anniversary cruise for next May. Sans children. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and we thought it would make for a nice ten year tradition. We were excited to reach such a big milestone in our marriage (a whole decade!) and we somewhat felt as if we were approaching that next stage in life. The stage with more sleep and less diapers. And we were content.

 

One week ago I was practicing the art of learning to be happy at home. It might seem sad that one would have to practice something like that. But it's where I was. Because the truth is, even though it was exhausting me, I enjoyed all of the running around. Running around, being out in the world, it was exciting! So much more exciting than cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, and wiping little noses. So I made it a habit to keep myself busy. To keep myself distracted from the mundane. But slowly, over the past few months, God's Word had been nudging me back towards home. But one week ago I was still fighting it. So I was planning trips and prepping for foster care. I was doing all of this from home, but in my mind I was still running. I was home in body, but I was not home in spirit. My heart and wants were still elsewhere.

 

And then six days ago, my life changed in a single instant.

 

We had not been trying to conceive, so I had not been paying attention to the signs. But once the thought crossed my mind? I knew. I just knew. And when the test read positive? It was pure joy. Automatic pure joy! I remember crying and saying thank you God. Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God. And my life has not been the same since.

 

Today I am the proud mama of FOUR beautiful children. Today I am so thankful that there will be the 'more' that I didn't even realize that I still wanted. Today I am happy and at peace. Today I am so very thankful that God's ways, and God's timing, far surpass my own.

 

Today I don't know where we stand with foster care. Today I am okay with the fact that I don't know.

 

Today I am not sad that there will not be a ten year anniversary cruise in May. Because now, Lord willing, I have better plans.

 

Today, in this very moment, my heart is happy at home.  I realized tonight, as my son did 'shows' for us after dinner and I laughed so hard until I cried, that there is no where else on earth that is better suited for me. All five of us were piled on the couch snuggling, with Jack pouting about not having enough room, when Emma said, just wait until next year! Because next year our couch will be even more full. But as Boss quickly pointed out, there will ALWAYS be enough room for one more. And you know what? To me, that's exactly what home is. All of us piling inside of these walls. Sharing laughter and tears. Joys and sorrows. All of us learning, and growing, and extending grace. Knowing in our hearts that there is always room for one more. There is always enough love to go around.

 

Today my body is alive with this tiny one that is growing inside of me. My whole body feels it, a constant reminder that God is still at work. A reminder that God is always there, even in the seasons where we cannot seem to find him. He is the master weaver, weaving the intricate strands of our lives together in his own timing. And when we get a small glimpse of the work he is doing?

 

Our lives change in an instant. And we find the encouragement and hope needed to continue pressing on.

 

 

 

 

 



Little Pumpkin

 

 It's true! Lord willing, a new little pumpkin will be joining our family next May. We are shocked, surprised, and unbelievably happy! And did I mention we are shocked? But in a good way, because I have always loved little pumpkins. And now I will have FOUR! Thank you, God, for your continuous blessings!