Today we received some very sad news. The birth mother we were talking with went to the doctor yesterday feeling like something was wrong with the baby, and the doctor could not find the heartbeat. The doctor then ordered an ultrasound that revealed that the baby had died. They were very surprised as N was around twenty weeks pregnant, and that is usually past the point where typical miscarriages happen. N has been sick, and one of her other children currently has a virus and is in Columbus Children's Hospital, so they think perhaps she had a virus that killed the baby, or perhaps it is just one of those things that cannot be explained.
I am heartbroken, but not for the reason you might think. I never got completely attached to the idea of this sweet baby, but I am heartbroken for N. She has so little in this world, and to lose a child that she obviously loved, while having another in the hospital must be completely overwhelming. Even though she was contemplating not raising this baby, I know she loved it deeply, or the decision she was facing wouldn't have been a hard one.
I do rest in the fact that God is in control, and I do believe that he was watching out for that little one. It doesn't make it easier, but now N won't have to make the toughest decision of her life. And our family can move on, too. I was already struggling with wondering what choice to make if N did choose us. I worried she would choose us, we would take the baby home, and then she would change her mind. Now the answer is clear.
And this little one can go straight to the place where there is no pain, hardships, or tough decisions to make. I am comforted in that. As for us, we will keep plugging along with our home study. Boss will have his paperwork in this week, and next is physicals for our entire family. I am not sure what happens after that. Please do pray for N. I am not sure when, but at some point this week she will have to deliver her baby that she never got the chance to know.
That is all I have for today. All I can say is that our adoption journey is completely real to us now. We started down a path not knowing where it would take us, and we still don't know, but N's baby was the first bend in the road. Although I never knew this little one, I am thankful to have the chance to write about him or her here. This baby's life was thought about and prayed for. I will forever remember N and this baby as the very first steps in our journey, and I am confident that if we continue to look to Him, that God will guide us as we continue down this unknown path.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Twenty Days
Twenty. That is how many days the stomach virus has been running wild through my household. I suppose when you have eight people living under one roof, it is bound to be passed back and forth, but this is getting ridiculous. I started it off back in the middle of March, then Emma got it at Easter, Boss during Spring Break, one of the big girls last week, Emma again, and now me once more. If I never have to clean up bodily functions again, it won't be soon enough. I am so tired of feeling yucky! But enough about that.
I have not heard anything new on the adoption front. However, I have not really left my house to talk with my caseworker either. I finally got all of my paperwork in, and now we are just waiting on Boss to fill out his part. I do seem to be plagued with baby fever. And baby fever is much better than the stomach virus!
Kate is being very cute these days. She is talking more and more, and her favorite thing to say is, I cared! I cared! Translated, I'm scared.. She says it over everything, and then she wants you to hold her and pat her back. Emma has been struggling with needing attention lately. We had that very troubled young girl in our home for the last month (she left last Friday), and the entire experience was tough on Emma. I am thankful all of my other experiences with our foster girls have been positive, and I am thankful that my boss was so proactive in getting this girl out! I will never let foster care impact my daughters negatively. Anyway, Emma was tired of this girls tantrums, and the fact that I was constantly having to hold her down when she started into her tantrums, and Emma was doing crazy things to try and get our attention. Thankfully, she has perked right up over the weekend and is back to her silly self. It was a rough month!
Next weekend, Boss and I are going to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. Five years! I can't believe it. Our anniversary is really in May, but that is when we are leaving for our family summer vacation to the beach, so this is the only chance we have to celebrate. We are going to stay at a Bed and Breakfast on the river. I love my husband and can't wait to spend some alone time with him. I think it's just what we need.
Anyway, that has been our life in a nutshell. The weather has been awesome here, and I am hoping we are feeling better soon so that we can get out and enjoy it. On the upside, all of this sickness has really helped out my diet, and maybe it won't be so tortuous to pull out the spring clothes!
I have not heard anything new on the adoption front. However, I have not really left my house to talk with my caseworker either. I finally got all of my paperwork in, and now we are just waiting on Boss to fill out his part. I do seem to be plagued with baby fever. And baby fever is much better than the stomach virus!
Kate is being very cute these days. She is talking more and more, and her favorite thing to say is, I cared! I cared! Translated, I'm scared.. She says it over everything, and then she wants you to hold her and pat her back. Emma has been struggling with needing attention lately. We had that very troubled young girl in our home for the last month (she left last Friday), and the entire experience was tough on Emma. I am thankful all of my other experiences with our foster girls have been positive, and I am thankful that my boss was so proactive in getting this girl out! I will never let foster care impact my daughters negatively. Anyway, Emma was tired of this girls tantrums, and the fact that I was constantly having to hold her down when she started into her tantrums, and Emma was doing crazy things to try and get our attention. Thankfully, she has perked right up over the weekend and is back to her silly self. It was a rough month!
Next weekend, Boss and I are going to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. Five years! I can't believe it. Our anniversary is really in May, but that is when we are leaving for our family summer vacation to the beach, so this is the only chance we have to celebrate. We are going to stay at a Bed and Breakfast on the river. I love my husband and can't wait to spend some alone time with him. I think it's just what we need.
Anyway, that has been our life in a nutshell. The weather has been awesome here, and I am hoping we are feeling better soon so that we can get out and enjoy it. On the upside, all of this sickness has really helped out my diet, and maybe it won't be so tortuous to pull out the spring clothes!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Adoption Update
My caseworker heard back from the pregnancy counselor this morning. Last week the counselor and my caseworker both talked to the birth mom (we will call her N for privacy) and she said she was very excited to hear more about us. She was going to check her work schedule, and then pick a time for the three of them to meet together. However, the counselor has not heard back from her this week, despite calling N more than once. She is thinking that N might need time to sort through this in her head and in her heart. The sad reality is that no matter how much she might want this baby, she is barely keeping her head above water with the two she already has, and even on welfare, she is having trouble financially. I'm sure that reality does not make it any easier on her heart, though. I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now. The counselor is hopeful N will still make an adoption plan. If she can wrap her brain around this, then we will move forward. There are still several months left in her pregnancy for her to go back and forth. Maybe that's why most agency's wait until the 7th month to start matching! If she decides to keep the baby, I am at least grateful for this connection. We now have a crisis pregnancy counselor who has all of our information on hand. She deals with girls like N on a daily basis, and perhaps there will be another birth mom who wants to create an adoption plan for her baby if N falls through. So for now, we just wait and see. I am good with that. I did not expect much more. It would have been wonderful for everything to just happen smoothly, but nothing is ever easy when it comes to issues of the heart. Again, I can't imagine what these brave birth mom's go through! I have a new respect for them. Boss and I continue to pray that God will lead us to our baby. Maybe that baby is N's, maybe it is not. Regardless, N is currently on my prayer list and I would ask that you put her on yours, as well.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Girlfriends
I have always been blessed with good friends. I was never the most popular during my grade school years, but I always had at least one special friend, if not more, to share my days with. I remember a particular group of girls during my preschool days and a particular group as well, during elementary. I always enjoyed getting together and being a part of girl scouts, etc.
Sarah
I found my first best friend in junior high. Her name was Sarah Larkin and she was my saving grace during those dreadful years. We slept over ALL THE TIME, crushed on boys together, and it was with her that my love of Sonic Vanilla Cokes and country music began. Once we stayed up ALL night long listening for George Straight's song They Call Me The Fireman, to come on the radio, so that we could win tickets to his concert. I am not quite sure when or why our friendship faded, but eventually we each went our separate ways. However I recently hooked back up with her on, and it has been such fun peeking in on her life!
Lauren
In high school came Lauren. Lauren was the best friend a girl could have. Sometimes, it felt like we shared a heart. She always knew what I was thinking and she was always there to listen. She made me a better person, dressed me up for my very FIRST DATE, let me cry when I got dumped for the very first time, and was my maid of honor at my wedding. We are kindred spirits and I LOVE her! When we went to different colleges we drifted apart, but every so often we email or call, and it is as if no time has passed at all.
Jeana
In college I had so many great girlfriends! There was always someone to go shopping with or to share my heart with. There are really too many to name, but I was never lonely, and college was a great time in my life. I sometimes wish I hadn't been so desperate to grow up, and had enjoyed my time there a bit longer before heading off to the land of adulthood.
After I got married, things changed, as they should, and the girlfriends seemed to thin out. Boss and I moved away the first month that we were married and truly began our life together all on our own. We didn't make many friends during that first year of marriage, but I was never lonely. Spending my days with Boss was enough. We truly became each other's best friend.
However, during the second year of marriage, I began to long for girlfriends once more. I would get together with some girls from church every once in a while, but that was about it. I really started feeling down, and began praying that God would send a special friend my way. I wanted to share my heart with someone who was in the same stage of life that I was in... young motherhood, newly married, no money. I wanted someone that just UNDERSTOOD the stresses and joys that those first few years of building a life together bring. After months of praying, God didn't bring me one great friend, he brought me two! And both of them lived on either side of me just a stone's throw away!
Angie
I met Angie and Kristin (pictured above) while houseparenting at ACCH. We were all the same age, we had all been married for the same amount of time, and we all understood the stress of the mission field we were in. Angie is a mama three times over (three in three years), and Kristin is the proud mama of one little angel. We had great times eating at Dion's, drinking sweet tea while watching the kids slide on the front porch, and sharing our hearts about our families, husbands and futures. While the working environment was not the best, and I know we all had to move on, sometimes I miss those two women so much that it hurts! They are strong Christian women and they make me want to be a better wife and mama. Everyone needs friends like them. How I wish we still lived by each other, so that we could enjoy being mamas together and so our kids could be great friends.
This brings me to where I am now. We have lived in Ohio for over a year, and I have yet to find a kindred spirit. I love everything about the life we are building here except for that. I imagine we will be here for quite some time, but I can't imagine raising my family without girlfriends close by! I miss having someone to call at a moments notice to grab lunch when I'm having a bad day. I miss having someone to ask to watch my kids if an emergency arises. I miss Boss and I going out with couple friends. I miss my friends! I am praying that God would bring me a friend here, and I am trying to have patience as I wait. It is simply more fun to walk this road we call life, with girlfriends by our side.
So here's to girlfriends, both old and new. My world is better because of you.
Sarah
I found my first best friend in junior high. Her name was Sarah Larkin and she was my saving grace during those dreadful years. We slept over ALL THE TIME, crushed on boys together, and it was with her that my love of Sonic Vanilla Cokes and country music began. Once we stayed up ALL night long listening for George Straight's song They Call Me The Fireman, to come on the radio, so that we could win tickets to his concert. I am not quite sure when or why our friendship faded, but eventually we each went our separate ways. However I recently hooked back up with her on, and it has been such fun peeking in on her life!
Lauren
In high school came Lauren. Lauren was the best friend a girl could have. Sometimes, it felt like we shared a heart. She always knew what I was thinking and she was always there to listen. She made me a better person, dressed me up for my very FIRST DATE, let me cry when I got dumped for the very first time, and was my maid of honor at my wedding. We are kindred spirits and I LOVE her! When we went to different colleges we drifted apart, but every so often we email or call, and it is as if no time has passed at all.
Jeana
In college I had so many great girlfriends! There was always someone to go shopping with or to share my heart with. There are really too many to name, but I was never lonely, and college was a great time in my life. I sometimes wish I hadn't been so desperate to grow up, and had enjoyed my time there a bit longer before heading off to the land of adulthood.
After I got married, things changed, as they should, and the girlfriends seemed to thin out. Boss and I moved away the first month that we were married and truly began our life together all on our own. We didn't make many friends during that first year of marriage, but I was never lonely. Spending my days with Boss was enough. We truly became each other's best friend.
However, during the second year of marriage, I began to long for girlfriends once more. I would get together with some girls from church every once in a while, but that was about it. I really started feeling down, and began praying that God would send a special friend my way. I wanted to share my heart with someone who was in the same stage of life that I was in... young motherhood, newly married, no money. I wanted someone that just UNDERSTOOD the stresses and joys that those first few years of building a life together bring. After months of praying, God didn't bring me one great friend, he brought me two! And both of them lived on either side of me just a stone's throw away!
Angie
I met Angie and Kristin (pictured above) while houseparenting at ACCH. We were all the same age, we had all been married for the same amount of time, and we all understood the stress of the mission field we were in. Angie is a mama three times over (three in three years), and Kristin is the proud mama of one little angel. We had great times eating at Dion's, drinking sweet tea while watching the kids slide on the front porch, and sharing our hearts about our families, husbands and futures. While the working environment was not the best, and I know we all had to move on, sometimes I miss those two women so much that it hurts! They are strong Christian women and they make me want to be a better wife and mama. Everyone needs friends like them. How I wish we still lived by each other, so that we could enjoy being mamas together and so our kids could be great friends.
This brings me to where I am now. We have lived in Ohio for over a year, and I have yet to find a kindred spirit. I love everything about the life we are building here except for that. I imagine we will be here for quite some time, but I can't imagine raising my family without girlfriends close by! I miss having someone to call at a moments notice to grab lunch when I'm having a bad day. I miss having someone to ask to watch my kids if an emergency arises. I miss Boss and I going out with couple friends. I miss my friends! I am praying that God would bring me a friend here, and I am trying to have patience as I wait. It is simply more fun to walk this road we call life, with girlfriends by our side.
So here's to girlfriends, both old and new. My world is better because of you.
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