Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Happy Birthday to Boss









Today, the man I love turned 35. Nearly a decade ago we met. Me, nearly 20, him a bit older. Wiser. I could tell right away that he was a hard worker. And I liked the way that he smiled. He was shy, quiet, but confident. When he called me on the phone my heart beat faster, and when he reached for my hand I could think of nothing else. Only him. But after nearly a decade of loving each other, I have let some things slide. Too many things. Now when he calls from work, I often greet him with stress, frustration, or worry. Or I rush him because I am too busy. Too busy to talk to the man that I love? And when he reaches for my hand, I might give his fingers a quick squeeze, before separating to referee this or that with the children. The love is still there. I know this. It often just gets buried. Buried under responsibilities, and work, and children, and lists. Buried under life. So for his birthday, I decided to strip away some of the ruble and find the love again. The new love feeling. My gift to him, the man I love. I asked for a few days off from work. I sent the children off to my parents. A night on the town for the two of us. Just what we needed. The cell phones went away. When we talked over supper, we looked into each others eyes. Focused on nothing else. When we went to the movies we sat in the back, just like the old days. And when he reached for my hand? I held on, willing him to know how much he is loved. How much he is valued and appreciated, for the way that he loves our family. For the way that he works hard and leads our family. And in case he couldn't feel it, all of my love, I told him. Out loud. Because sometimes words of affirmation aren't said often enough. A night together, alone, was just what we needed. Because the feelings are still there. Sometimes we just have to work a little harder to find them. But that's okay. He is worth all of the work in the world. Our love is worth it. And I know that he would say the same. Happy Birthday, Ben. I will forever be glad that you were born.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Living Well

I love the start of a new year. I love the thought of a clean slate. A fresh year with no mistakes in it. I love that hope and possibilities and dreams seem endless. But that's me. I am a dreamer. I view life through rose colored glasses. Sometimes I love this about myself. Sometimes being a dreamer makes it hard to face reality. And the reality of my life is that I have been going through the motions for far too long. My head in the clouds, my mind on my dreams. Most often thinking, planning, organizing. Too much time spent on these things. Not enough time spent living. At least not living well. Not the kind of living that ends each day with a contented sigh. A sense of fullness in my heart. A sense of closeness with my Savior. Assurance that I am walking in his will. Instead, most days, I feel a bit out of control. As if life is passing me by and I am hanging on for dear life. Desperately desiring to walk closer with my Creator, but being too lazy to do anything about it. It is far easier to hang on for dear life and then complain about the direction this life is headed, then to actually take the reigns in your hands, or better yet, give the reigns over to God completely. That sounds terrifying and exhilarating all at the very same time. Going through the motions is more safe. It's easy. It's somewhat like riding the carousel at the amusement park. You just keep spinning in a circle, headed no where. You don't even need a seat belt. Not very exciting, but much safer than the roller coasters! And I hate roller coasters (honestly, I have never been on one in my almost thirty years). But I do know that I am tired of the carousel. I am tired of going through the motions. We are each only given one life, and I desire more than ever to live mine well. The lyrics to the song below, by Matthew West, penetrated the deep places of my heart when I heard them. They have become my mantra for 2012. No more going through the motions. It's time to start living.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions