Saturday, September 8, 2012

It Is Time

(image found here)

Item number one, on my 30 Before During 30 list (found here ), was to lose the last ten pounds of baby weight that I had been carrying around since, well, since I began having children eight years ago. Sad, I know, but oh so true. Those last ten pounds and I had become friends. Best buds. Partners in crime (we could (still can) demolish a cupcake faster than most people can get theirs out of its liner). Together, my last ten pounds and I, we could do anything. Anything except fit into a smaller dress size. And so the time had come for us to part. You know that quote some friends come into your life for a reason, others only for a season? Well, there was no good reason that I continued to lug around those last ten pounds, friend or no friend, so that must have meant that our season together needed to come to an end. And quickly. So I added losing those last ten pounds to my 30 During 30 list. Right up there at the very top! Because it was important to me. Because it was something that I really, really wanted to do.

(Now here is the part where I update you on my progress. Are you ready for it? If not, quit reading here and head on your merry way.)

The truth is that I have not lost even one of those blasted pounds. Zip. Zilch. Nada. They remain right where you last saw them, smack dab on my hips. A few on my thighs (my extra pounds don't like to play favorites). But I can tell you that our friendship is deteriorating faster than I can eat a cupcake. Which is pretty darn fast. And I think I am finally finding my resolve, deep within, to start back up on my journey of weight loss. I think weight loss is a tough journey for most, and the same is true for me. If not even more so, for me. Because for me, it isn't about depriving myself of my beloved cupcakes. It isn't about having to drive past my favorite restaurants without stopping to head inside. For me, weight loss is hard, because it takes me to a scary place. A place I don't care to revisit. A place that is not a part of my current life, at least not on the outside. Thinking about weight loss, and dieting, takes me back ten years to days where I was out of control. To days where binging, and purging, and restricting were part of my everyday. To the days where my eating disorder consumed my life.

But those days, as hard as they were, as ugly as they were, are part of my story. And I think that it's time that I tell my story. Or at least record it here. Maybe sharing my story will help others. Maybe it will help me. Because while I no longer binge, or purge, or restrict, sometimes (even ten years later) my brain still gets consumed with the thought of it all. Especially, like now, when I try to diet. Because my brain tells me how easy it would be. My body knows how to get rid of those extra pounds quickly. And losing weight the healthy way, the correct way, feels like too much work. So much harder, actually, than my old ways of going about things. But I am not the same person that I was ten years ago. I am stronger. I am more whole. I now see that I am God's creation, put here to point other's to Him. And if I ever forget that (which I sometimes do), my children remind me. Not verbally, of course, but all I have to do is look into their eyes and know that I am NEVER returning to those dark days. No matter how hard it feels, I WILL lose these last ten pounds in a healthy way. And on those days where it is particularly hard? I will come here and write. Little pieces of my story at a time. Visiting the past, remembering, so that I can move forward and be more of the woman that I want to be.

So goodbye, last ten pounds (for always). And goodbye cupcakes (for now). It was fun while it lasted. But now it is time for something new.

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