Friday, July 6, 2007

Reflections of my Heart

I have not shared on the pages here about the children's home where our family worked for a year and half, and I believe the reason was because I needed time to reflect on our time there. By the end of our service there, we were so frustrated and tired, and I believe we began to see things in a very negative light. However, now that we are looking back on those days, as with most things in life, I can see many good and wonderful things about our time in Albuquerque. For one thing, God blessed us with amazing friends as fellow houseparents, and I was never lonely living there for a single moment! And while we did not connect with every child who walked through our front door, we did develop some relationships that I am very proud of and thankful for. I loved the sense of purpose that each day at the children's home brought. I never once felt like my life was lacking during our days there. And spending every day together as a family was the icing on the cake. So, while I know it was time for our family to move on, I simply wish I had cherished our days there a bit more.

Our life here is very different. When we left the children's home we wanted to dive back into the world, and literally, into the world we dove. It has felt like keeping up with the Jone's since day one. I feel like my focus is off, my days are meaningless, and to be quite honest, sometimes I struggle with wanting money and materialistic things so badly that I can taste it. Another thing I have struggled with since moving is being a mama, something I have always longed to be. Because I don't just want to be a good mama, I want to be a great mama. And most days I feel like I am failing. I find myself longing for a nap and some alone time and more money, instead of focusing on my children as my treasures in this life.

I am well aware of all of my blessings. I KNOW God is good ALL of the time. I simply hate that I get sucked into the world so easily. I hate that I wallow in self pity, and think of not getting an afternoon nap as suffering, when in reality, I know nothing of suffering. And I praise God for that.

Tonight, a family whose blog I follow, lost their two year old daughter to leukemia. My heart breaking. I have no words. This family tried for five long years to conceive a child, and their daughter was an answer to prayer. And now, only two short years later, she is gone. As a Christian, I find peace knowing that their sweet girl is in Heaven. I find peace in knowing she will never face the trials of this world. But as a mama, my heart breaks for a woman whose shoes I tremble at the thought of ever walking in. And here I am, complaining about my old house, Boss' job, not having enough money, and the fact that my children are constantly interrupting the plans I have made for each day, when in another state, one mama's hands are now empty. She no longer has a child to interrupt her at all, and I know she would gladly exchange her alone time for having her Livi back in an instant. I may be weary, but tonight my hands are full with two beautiful girls, while hers are empty. This breaks my heart, but I have been convicted.

My focus must shift away from the things of this world and back to my God. It must. I need to praise him for the things I do have, instead of whining about the things that I want. I need to regain my focus of serving others, as I had at the children's home, and quit thinking only of my sinful self. After all, the three most important people God has given me to serve on this earth, live right here under my roof. This life is short, and it is definitely too short to waste. Please join me in praying this week for a renewed focus. Also, please join with me as I pray for James and Emily Haughery as they face life without their beautiful and courageous Livi. Thank God for all you have, and give those you love an extra kiss tonight.

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