Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Learning to Simply Be

Lately, this space has been void of deep thoughts. It isn't that I haven't been thinking them (in fact, my deep thoughts have been keeping me up at night), but rather I have had trouble putting them in to words. Many times I sit down to write, and end up erasing all that I have written several minutes later. The words just aren't coming. On one hand, I feel so blessed in this life. I have a loving, supportive husband who is very active in our family life, I have two beautiful daughters, a home which I love, plenty of food, enough extras to feel content, a rewarding job, and a hope that there is a place far grander, prepared for me when I leave this earth. Pretty amazing to think about! On the other hand, the earthly struggles I am currently facing (small as they might be), are beginning to wear me down and to break my spirit. I decided last night that I need to learn to  simply be.

I have never been good at just being. In high school, all I could think about was going to college. Once I reached college, all I could think about was being married. And once I was married, all I could think about was having a baby. After Emma came, I immediately started thinking and planning for baby number two (okay, maybe I took a small break from the planning, but you get the picture). And these past few years, now that two babies had successfully been added to our family, I had been largely focusing on what we were going to do with our lives. Where will we work? Where will we live? Who will we be? And can I be honest and say that I have already begun to stress about the fact that we haven't started planning for our retirement? All of these thoughts at the age of twenty six! Even I can recognize that I need to slow down and enjoy life as it comes, because the harder I try to hold on to everything and to steer life in the direction I think it should go, the faster it seems to slip through my fingers.

Sometimes, I regret rushing my way through high school and college. I regret that I did not spend more time with girlfriends. And while I love my children with my whole heart, I wonder what it might have been like to spend a few years alone with Boss . While I am not one to live in the land of regrets (I am too busy thinking about the future!), I am trying to recognize that I need to just be, or life is going to pass me by.

I am going to try not to worry that Boss does not have a guaranteed job for next year. God is already there. I am going to try not to worry that no job, could possibly mean no funds for an adoption. God is already there. I am going to try not to worry about what to do with my children when it comes to their education. God is already there.

Instead, I am going to try and focus on the here and now. I am going to enjoy each day with my husband. He will find work, as I believe God has great plans for his life. I am going to enjoy my daughters at age 2 two and four. They will only be this age for a year.

I don't want to miss what He has placed before me during this particular season in my life, because I am so focused on the seasons to come.

I don't listen to country music very often any more, but the other day a song came on the radio and I have thought a lot about the words.

You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
These are the good times.
Take a good look around.
You may not know it now,
But you're gonna miss this.

I don't want to miss anymore. I simply want to learn to be.


The Boyd Gang said...

I read your blog through Amy Grigsby's blog and I really appreciate this post. I am a mother of three beautiful little girls, all 3 years and younger. Sometimes I find my self hating the day or worrying about tomorrow. I am trying to just simply be. Thanks again for the great post.

Always Almost said...

Ah, the worry gene. I know it well. Especially that spiral that starts when you begin to worry about life, then you feel guilty about not having enough faith, so you start worrying about worrying... and so on.
Go to Psalms tonight, and browse the words of David. Watch for whiplash as he goes back and forth between a coward's fear and a hero's faith.
His words always calm me - his psalms of faith inspire and his fear reassures me that if a "man after God's own heart" can struggle, so can I.
I love you and I'm praying for you and your family!

Brady and Kristin said...

God is already there...thank you, i needed that! :)--Kristin

Paula said...

Wow, what a great post. I need to do that too. Just enjoy what is going on right now!