Monday, October 1, 2012

Happy at Home: In an Instant

It's funny how your life can change in an instant.
One week ago I was the proud mama of three beautiful children. And even more importantly, I was content with that number. The Z Three was beginning to roll comfortably off the tip of my tongue, without the familiar ache of wanting 'more' that had been known to follow in previous months. I was happy. I had made peace with the family that God had blessed me with.
One week ago I was dreaming of tiny little foster babies. We were in the process of switching foster care agencies (the transfer to be completed this very week), and I was counting down the days until we would receive 'the call'. The call that would change our lives for a few months, days, or maybe years. Or possibly even forever. And I was excited to feel called to the ministry. I felt as though God had been preparing me for that calling for years and I was ready to serve. We all were.
One week ago Boss and I were planning a ten year wedding anniversary cruise for next May. Sans children. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and we thought it would make for a nice ten year tradition. We were excited to reach such a big milestone in our marriage (a whole decade!) and we somewhat felt as if we were approaching that next stage in life. The stage with more sleep and less diapers. And we were content.
One week ago I was practicing the art of learning to be happy at home. It might seem sad that one would have to practice something like that. But it's where I was. Because the truth is, even though it was exhausting me, I enjoyed all of the running around. Running around, being out in the world, it was exciting! So much more exciting than cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, and wiping little noses. So I made it a habit to keep myself busy. To keep myself distracted from the mundane. But slowly, over the past few months, God's Word had been nudging me back towards home. But one week ago I was still fighting it. So I was planning trips and prepping for foster care. I was doing all of this from home, but in my mind I was still running. I was home in body, but I was not home in spirit. My heart and wants were still elsewhere.
And then six days ago, my life changed in a single instant.
We had not been trying to conceive, so I had not been paying attention to the signs. But once the thought crossed my mind? I knew. I just knew. And when the test read positive? It was pure joy. Automatic pure joy! I remember crying and saying thank you God. Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God. And my life has not been the same since.
Today I am the proud mama of FOUR beautiful children. Today I am so thankful that there will be the 'more' that I didn't even realize that I still wanted. Today I am happy and at peace. Today I am so very thankful that God's ways, and God's timing, far surpass my own.
Today I don't know where we stand with foster care. Today I am okay with the fact that I don't know.
Today I am not sad that there will not be a ten year anniversary cruise in May. Because now, Lord willing, I have better plans.
Today, in this very moment, my heart is happy at home.  I realized tonight, as my son did 'shows' for us after dinner and I laughed so hard until I cried, that there is no where else on earth that is better suited for me. All five of us were piled on the couch snuggling, with Jack pouting about not having enough room, when Emma said, just wait until next year! Because next year our couch will be even more full. But as Boss quickly pointed out, there will ALWAYS be enough room for one more. And you know what? To me, that's exactly what home is. All of us piling inside of these walls. Sharing laughter and tears. Joys and sorrows. All of us learning, and growing, and extending grace. Knowing in our hearts that there is always room for one more. There is always enough love to go around.
Today my body is alive with this tiny one that is growing inside of me. My whole body feels it, a constant reminder that God is still at work. A reminder that God is always there, even in the seasons where we cannot seem to find him. He is the master weaver, weaving the intricate strands of our lives together in his own timing. And when we get a small glimpse of the work he is doing?
Our lives change in an instant. And we find the encouragement and hope needed to continue pressing on.

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