N's Baby

Today we received some very sad news. The birth mother we were talking with went to the doctor yesterday feeling like something was wrong with the baby, and the doctor could not find the heartbeat. The doctor then ordered an ultrasound that revealed that the baby had died. They were very surprised as N was around twenty weeks pregnant, and that is usually past the point where typical miscarriages happen. N has been sick, and one of her other children currently has a virus and is in Columbus Children's Hospital, so they think perhaps she had a virus that killed the baby, or perhaps it is just one of those things that cannot be explained.

I am heartbroken, but not for the reason you might think. I never got completely attached to the idea of this sweet baby, but I am heartbroken for N. She has so little in this world, and to lose a child that she obviously loved, while having another in the hospital must be completely overwhelming. Even though she was contemplating not raising this baby, I know she loved it deeply, or the decision she was facing wouldn't have been a hard one.

I do rest in the fact that God is in control, and I do believe that he was watching out for that little one. It doesn't make it easier, but now N won't have to make the toughest decision of her life. And our family can move on, too. I was already struggling with wondering what choice to make if N did choose us. I worried she would choose us, we would take the baby home, and then she would change her mind. Now the answer is clear. 

And this little one can go straight to the place where there is no pain, hardships, or tough decisions to make. I am comforted in that. As for us, we will keep plugging along with our home study. Boss will have his paperwork in this week, and next is physicals for our entire family. I am not sure what happens after that. Please do pray for N. I am not sure when, but at some point this week she will have to deliver her baby that she never got the chance to know.

That is all I have for today. All I can say is that our adoption journey is completely real to us now. We started down a path not knowing where it would take us, and we still don't know, but N's baby was the first bend in the road. Although I never knew this little one, I am thankful to have the chance to write about him or her here. This baby's life was thought about and prayed for. I will forever remember N and this baby as the very first steps in our journey, and I am confident that if we continue to look to Him, that God will guide us as we continue down this unknown path.