Random Thoughts From My Mind

It has been an incredibly busy past few days, and life is only going to get busier over the next month. Coming up we have the last week of school, a five year wedding anniversary, a family vacation to the beach, Vacation Bible School, Ben's basketball camps, a BIG birthday bash for our daughters, and an adoption home study to get completed and turned in. My brain is whirling just thinking about it all.

Every time I sit down to write (and there has been plenty to share), my mind goes a little blank and I can't seem to think to put more than two words together. But tonight, I will try. I could write about two recent observations that would make great devotional thoughts or about a really embarrassing moment I had in the dressing room at Wal Mart last week (think shirt size does not match hanger size, so said person tries shirt on and gets it stuck with her arms in the air, and old lady shopper must come to the rescue, ahem). Or I could write about the fact that in three short days I have officially been married for five years to the love of my life. I could tell you that my almost four year old is wearing me out with her new phase of meltdowns when things aren't working right, and I would love to SHOUT from the rooftops that my youngest daughter is now sleeping from ten pm until seven am, every night for the last six weeks! Silly girl, I knew she would figure this sleeping thing out. Or I could ramble on and on about my thoughts on adoption and weight loss, but I will spare you.

Instead, I will share with you my recent heart ponderings. Lately, I have been thinking about my place in this world. I love plans. I thrive on them. I am not very good at staying at home (though I am trying to be more purposeful in doing so), and I love waking every morning ready to head out for the day. I simply feel happier and less stressed when I have a plan. However, I am also a dreamer, and I dream BIG. If I want something, I go after it. Add to that, my biggest fear in this life is reaching the end of my time on this earth and regretting that I did not do more. Put those things together, and you have one crazy woman who dreams big dreams for her life, spends countless hours forming plans in her head to achieve her dreams, and then worries constantly that they aren't even the right dreams. Add it all up, and you get me.

I have a very hard time living in the moment. I constantly want to be working towards the next step in my plan. And I often get so caught up in my planning, that I forget the fact that God might have his own plans for my life. An example. We are coming up on our one year mark at the children's home, and for the first time in our marriage, we actually have no plans of leaving. In fact, we actually have long term plans for building a life here. And sometimes that scares me! I start looking at what others have, and what they have been called to in life, and I start wondering, is this really where I am supposed to be? And then the doubts start pouring in. It is not so much that I am jealous of others, it is simply that I want to make sure we are making the best choices for our family.

The school where Boss is employed is struggling financially, and there is talk of how long it will be around. When I first heard this, I started to panic. Because my plan had me serving in houseparenting, while Boss built his resume, and when the time came, we could move on and our life could begin in our own house, as our own family. But if the school shut down, then Boss would have to get another job (just to get a job), and we would be dependent on me houseparenting. And I was not happy with that at all! That scenario was not in my life plan.

But then it hit me. What if I am currently living out His plan for my life? What if our main purpose of being here is not to build Boss' resume, but is instead because houseparenting is our life's mission? What if God's grace and protection is enough, and what if my own children would be perfectly content to be brought up in this lifestyle? What if I am exactly where I am meant to be? And that thought was incredibly freeing! To think that right now, at this time, I am right where I am meant to be. What a humbling thought that it is not about me, or my plans at all.

I will not quit dreaming, or going after my dreams, but I can breathe a bit easier when I focus my thoughts on the fact that I am not in control. It is my job to pray for wisdom in making good choices, and to be open to the Lord's calling in my life, but I don't have to (and can't be!) in control of it all! For now I am resting in the fact that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

14 whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. (James 4:14)