Saturday, October 13, 2012

Life Lately

So lately, the words just aren't coming. And it's certainly not because I don't have anything to say. I am fairly certain that I always have something to say! Yet, I sit down to write and the words don't come tumbling out as they usually do. Just as the world around me is beginning to turn inward as the weather cools, my thoughts seem to be turning inward as well. So I remain quiet, letting the thoughts soak within. And I think that maybe sometimes, the sitting quiet can be a good thing. Even when there is much to be said.

Life is good here on Fieldcrest Lane. I have so very much to be thankful for. I see tragedy all around on a daily basis, and the thankfulness for the life I lead multiplies. I have a husband who works harder than anyone else that I know. He loves me in spite of my imperfections. He still wants to take me on dates and he never leaves in the morning without kissing each of us goodbye. I lie in bed and listen as he makes his rounds and my heart feels happy. I have an older daughter who is brilliantly smart and witty. I enjoy the person she is becoming, growing every day before my very eyes. She is a wonderful, helpful, servant to her siblings. I am blessed that she loves and enjoys serving our family. My younger daughter has twinkly eyes and a contagious laugh. She makes our home happy and cheerful! She is a snuggler and is always good for a hug. And my son, oh my goodness, has he ever stolen my heart! He is such a funny little guy! Yet he still needs to hold a hand to fall sleep, just like his mama did at his age. And now I have a fourth little pumpkin who is never far from my heart or my prayers. We are now in our ninth week, one week farther along than we made it in my pregnancy at the beginning of this year. And I am starting to allow myself to hope that just maybe I will be holding this little one in my arms next May! And add to the blessing of my family a warm house, food on the table, and good friends, and life on this earth just doesn't get much better than that. But it can still be tricky.

To be honest, I feel a bit lost. When I entered my thirties three months ago (it gets easier to say all of the time!), I held a different plan for my life in my head and in my heart. We had said goodbye to the dream of more babies grown in my womb, and we were ready to say hello to the dream of serving foster babies. And while I am UNBELIEVABLY thankful for this new life... now what? What is our family supposed to look like now? Can I possibly do both, mothering my four as well as those who are in need of a mother? Does God want me to step forward in faith? Or is this new little pumpkin pulling me back in for another season? I don't have the answers, so I wrestle with the thoughts. And that is where I struggle. With releasing my life to God no matter which direction he takes it, yet still humanly clinging to the hope that he chooses a direction I like. But I suppose that's not really releasing then, is it?

Last week my children visited a corn maze with their grandparents, a favorite fall activity in our family. I was feeling a bit nauseous that afternoon, so I sat on a bench where I could feel the breeze while the rest of my family ventured inside. But it got me to thinking. In a corn maze there are many twists and turns. So many different directions one can choose to head off in! Sometimes you get it right and find yourself someplace new, yet other times you look up only to discover you have backtracked and you are in the exact same place that you just came from. So you have a choice.You can sit there, refusing to move forward in case you get it wrong, or you can get up and try again. Working with the turns, putting one foot in front of the other, never giving up until you reach your goal.

After about an hour had passed I began to hear my children's voices, so I began to call out to them, to urge them forward.

This way, kids!

Mama is waiting for you!

You can do it!

I am so proud of you for all of your efforts and for never giving up!

I kept calling to them until they began to stumble out of the maze red faced, stained knees, yet still smiling. They had not given up, even when things had seemed difficult, confusing, and unclear. They pressed forward until they reached their goal.

And isn't it that way with life? So many different directions we can head in. So many dreams, different ways of doing things. And sometimes life can get confusing. We think we are heading in one direction, only to look up half way through our journey to see that we are right back where we started. Or perhaps we aren't back where we started, but we are in a different place all together than we thought we would be. And we find ourselves with the same choice. Sit down and quit... or keep going? So tonight I choose to keep going, even though I have no clue the direction I am headed. But I picture my Father's voice cheering me on, so I step forward in faith, trusting he will clear a pathway through this crazy thing called life.

This way, Kendra!

I am waiting for you!

You can do it!

I am so proud of you for all of your efforts and for never giving up!

Can you hear him shouting the very same to you? I bet if you listen closely enough you can hear him calling you a step forward each day of your journey, too. Carefully guiding us all along the pathway home. So don't give up! And don't give in. Just look up, and keep pressing forward.

Well lookee there. Turns out I did find a few words, after all.

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