Tuesday, July 23, 2013

glass half full

A summer afternoon rain is falling, lightly tap tapping against the windows.  On the stove sits a flickering candle, filling our darling duplex with scents of cranberries and orange. Light quilts are tucked around, soft piano music fills the air, and my littlest love is resting peacefully on my lap. And for the first time in weeks, my heart feels totally and completely full. Full of goodness and hope and joy.

I am, by nature, a glass half full kind of soul. But for the past several weeks my cup bordered on empty. It made no sense. God had answered our prayer for a new home, and a new baby boy was in my arms. Boss and I celebrated ten years of love in May and we are constantly surrounded by good, good friends who inspire us on a daily basis to live life sold out for the Lord.. Our four children are healthy and happy and growing .

I could count my joys, but I could not feel them.

I just hadn't felt like me. Not since we brought our little one home from the hospital some two months ago. Some might have called it the baby blues. Some might have said it was exhaustion wearing me thin. And I don't know what it was, but the longer my cup bordered on empty, the greater my thirst for more became. And I began to feel as though the life I was living did not matter in the grand scheme of things.

On paper my days are nothing significant. I have no grand title or degree. I am a mother.  I nurse babies and wipe bottoms. I put peanut butter on bread and I peel apples. I correct character in my children and wipe away tears caused by hurt feelings. I visit with friends, spend too much time on the Internet, and avoid doing the laundry at all costs. This is how I spend my days. And recently, although I adore my children completely, my life was feeling like not enough. Like perhaps I was made for something more. So I would sit on my couch and nurse Luke, and as the milk flowed, so did my feelings and sometimes my tears.

And then yesterday, THIS....

Somebody said that there’s this restlessness among the next generation of women, that they fear more than anything – wasting their lives. I’ve felt that before. Feelings can last for years but they can lie and change your forever.

So, look — There’s no fear: You aren’t wasting your life when you’ve poured out for eternity — wherever you are.

There’s no fear: You are doing something great with your life – when you’re doing all the small things with His Great love.

There’s no fear: You aren’t wasting your life – when you aren’t wasting opportunities to love like Christ.

- Ann Voskamp (A Holy Experience)

And just like that my cup began to fill once more. Because with every bottom that I wipe and with every apple that I peel, I am pouring out and into my children. And the small things don't have to remain small when a big God gets involved.

The point of this season of my life, is to point my children to Him. In all things. And that is more than enough.

So today our Luke is over the two month marker. The new baby fog has lifted and I am ready to carry on, each day discovering a bit more of what it means to live a beautiful life. And I am full. Full of goodness and hope and joy.

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